Jun. 22nd, 2009

Sexuality can be a bit of a bitch sometimes.

It's a twisty labyrinth of confusion and difficulty, often with nasty little dead ends, circular paths and irritating pitfalls.

I'm not going to get into the topic of identity because that's going to need an entire post all its own, a post that will likely cause some horrible maelstrom of angry death in the form of enraged people, because identity is always a bitchy topic. So no. I'm not talking identity here. I am talking plain old, red blooded, fire in the loins arousal. Who makes me hot. The kind of form I find sexy. That is the concern I am dealing with.

I'm using the terms in just that context for this post only, not in the context of identity, not in the context of anything but "who makes you hot and who doesn't". If this bothers you, well that sucks, but I need to articulate my situation without postmodernist interference in the meaning of words. So, I guess, "get over it" is in order? Yes. Get over it.


Sexuality gets worse when you throw transfolk into the mix. You hear all this stuff about hormones changing sexuality which the scientist in me says, "bullshit" to, primarily because there's nothing but poorly documented and poorly verified anecdotal evidence in favor of it. In opposition to the pretty consistent lack of sexuality changes in the folks the scientists are actually watching over. But that's also not the subject of this post and before the shitstorm descends, allow me to point out that I will be blogging on this exact subject at a later date. So save your enraged comments for me then when they won't be wasted on me not caring about off topic stuff right now.

Right, me, stop digressing.

The fact is, there have been a few folks I've talked to who have noticed a change in who they're turned on by and they've all theorized that it has something to do with dysphoria. Because as the dysphoria faded so did their revulsion for guy bodies. And with the fading of that revulsion, came the appearance of sexual attraction. Which means to me that there's some sort of mental block involved. After all, if your dysphoria is nasty enough to make you utterly hate penis simply because its on you, well then that would make it a bit rough to feel attracted to guys wouldn't it?

So let's cut to the chase, shall we? I'd much rather be bisexual then homosexual or heterosexual. I've joked that I regard bisexuality as a superpower, the ability to be attracted to both the primary sexes (pansexuality would actually be a better superpower since it includes the wonderful nonbinary folk, but baby steps first!)

This isn't entirely an issue of wanting a larger dating field (especially since bisexuals get screwed over by both the gay and straight communities so really, the field doesn't get much bigger.) This is more of an issue of me being polyamorous *GASP* and disliking the idea that a partner can't bring a guy into a closed circle relationship without sexuality issues.

This is also an issue of one of my partners being transmasculine *DOUBLE GASP* (okay that one isn't so unusual). You see, I know for a fact I'm omniromantic, in that I can love any compatible (emotionally and such) person romantically, guy, girl, nonbinary, whatever. I just can't seem to muster a sexual attraction to anyone who isn't female bodied. This transmasculine boyfriend of mine (he goes by the guy pronouns, has a pretty androgynous name and seems to be more agendered then anything) nevertheless still may transition down the guy path at some point, if only to get closer to the middle. This faces me with a rough situation. I'm attracted to his female body. I know this, he knows this. We met before he or I even planned to transition or we really understood the whole trans thing. Love happened and so now, we are together. He doesn't have a problem with it. As long as I don't make it obvious and trigger dysphoria, he's good. Same way I'd be if someone liked my penis. Just don't remind me its there during the fun bed time and I'm golden.

Anyways. I dislike the idea that there's a possibility I could lose some of my sexual intimacy with one of the people I love. So now, I'm seeing if there's some sort of dysphoria caused mental block and I actually have pansexuality or bisexuality right away so I can stop stressing about this and have the fairy tale happy ending. (This mayhaps is a bit of a silly venture of mine, but humor me. Self discovery is important for a lot of reasons and mine aren't bad as far as reasons go.)

To be completely thorough, a huge reason will always be this: I want to know myself. And I can really just leave it at that can't I? *grin* But I like giving people an idea of what my crazy life is like, so oh well. Long post means I love you more!

So on this sexuality topic, I'm attempting to figure out the best way to test this. Unfortunately my boy isn't the best option because he's very much un-transitioned.

So far I've looked at a variety of erotic pictures, animated to real, mostly het (as I am a young woman after all), all reasonably lowkey and semi realistic. Some pictures from guy friends online who were glad to help me discover myself etc etc (apparently I'm in hot demand or something. o_O) None of the erotica has really done anything for me. Even the ridiculously girly guys don't really turn me on. I find them aesthetically pretty but... no action in the arousal zone.

So I've eliminated bisexuality as a possibility. It's pretty clear that I find female bodies in general arousing and male bodies in general boring (or hilarious, hehehe penis). So now, I'm attempting to test for the possibility of an odd form of pansexuality, wherein I have the general attraction to women but for men, only a visibly expressed sexual interest in me and a compatible personality (+trust and caring) will actually fire up my interest in their body.

This one is... tough to test, unfortunately. For one, I need to find a guy who I trust, like, and am compatible with (emotionally and intellectually), who also trusts, likes me back and is sexually attracted to me. This includes being okay with me being trans. And this guy needs to be okay with a relationship not arising out of this based on logistics and he has to be able to stop having sex with me immediately if I need him to stop (in case the lack of interest remains and the sexual attention becomes unwanted or violating).

I'm trying to work within the bounds of my aesthetic preferences, so girly guys basically, because I figure, that's the best chance I've got to track an attraction.

So that's my quest of self discovery and experimentation. There's a prospective guy who seems to like me a lot (he's not terribly femmy though, unfortunately) but I still need to tell him I'm trans and then find out if he's even interested in having sex with me or at the very least, acting sexually interested towards me. This is sort of a tough and sensitive road to walk because I'm not sure if anything will come of this and a lot of guys see this kind of thing as cock teasing in disguise. x_x

I will keep my loyal readership (all 5~7 of you XD) in the know as I look around and figure this out.

And coming up, my shitstorm inducing posts of doom about identity and about sexuality changes in transfolk! Drama will likely descend on me like a storm of very perturbed mutant zombie hornets in these next two bloggages, so try to wear some hazmat gear and bring some first aid kits. No matter what you view you have in those two topics you are going to piss off at least 20% of the population, so I have steeled myself for the worst.

(I did my best to explain the words in base concepts that I used, in case people not well versed in GLBT issues read this. If any of the terminology in there is confusing, even with the additional explanation, please leave a comment asking for a definition. I do not mind it at all and I'm always pleased to help folks out with understanding a bit better.)

Genderbitch: In ur gender, revealing ur privilege


This is a blog. About transsexuality, feminism, misogyny, transphobia, homophobia, GLBT stuff and etcetera (check my tags for more on that). This is also an angry blog.

You might see me as slightly antagonistic. Oh well. I incite because I am trying to push people into thinking, discussing and breaking out of the stagnant bullshit of privilege. Which needs a nice firm kick quite a bit. Sometimes to the head. If I need a nice firm kick too, make sure to distribute it because well, I'm not immune to privilege either. XD

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