2009-07-07 10:34 pm

Drag Kinging, Family Drama and Trauma

I'm going to delay the identities post for a bit longer because the time I need to put into it simply isn't forthcoming right now. My duties to this game's development (and the fact that it's basically a paid 40 hour week each week) are just eating up too much of my time to do that post justice.

So instead, I'll give a rambling three parter one for now.

MtF Drag Kinging?!

I tried on some of my old more formal clothing today (guys slacks, button down, tie and fedora). Mostly just out of an odd feeling of doing something strange. I just wanted to see how I looked. I was aware of the possibility of a dysphoric response and I knew that the moment it hit me I could yank the clothing off.

But the results were surprising. I basically looked like a girl who was crossdressing. And poorly I might add. Even with my bra off, there was still distinct breast pokeage. And my curvature was pretty visible even in the baggy formal clothing. It was a heartening thing to see, the fact that I could put on that old clothing and still look the way I needed to look. My confidence swelled, my self esteem grew and I realized that I could probably do a drag show without issue because my dysphoria wasn't firing up at all.

I did get this sort of genderfuck-y feeling though. I mean I'm an MtF crossdressing as a guy. It's... a lot to wrap my head around all of a sudden. I think I'm gonna experiment a bit more with it, even if just for the confidence booster of still looking like an attractive young lady even in guy's formalwear. *nodnod*

Goddammit, Dad.

I'm getting really fucking tired of my father acting like a child. Apparently my mom is tiptoing around to contact me now, literally waiting until he's left for work to call me or even send emails. I don't know if it's just her being anxious and neurotic (an issue I have myself) and just trying to avoid conflict or if he's been even more of a dick about me and my situation but it's starting to reach the point where I wonder if I'm going to get slandered to my brothers.

I haven't told them yet, I haven't really had a chance. I wrote the letter to my father and that's when shit hit the fan and since then my contact with my family has been... iffy, at best. The way he responded to me was absolutely awful (and I'm sure most of you have read the response) but what hurt the most wasn't so much that it was a cold, nasty response and more that it was a cold, nasty response from someone who was normally very warm and connective (he had his problems as a parent, but that didn't change the fact that he was at least verbally affectionate. I was badly shell shocked by the whole thing and it's only been recently that I've started being able to think past the pain of the rejection and the vicious way he carried it out in.

Unfortunately, thinking past those things just leads to more concerns. He can be infantile and petty at times and he has made outbursts about things in anger, even when he rationally realizes that they ought to not be shared. So to me, the risk of one of my brothers bringing me up at the wrong time and him slandering the fuck out of me is very real. Especially as the holidays get close. My youngest brother especially will find me not visiting home for Christmas to be very unusual and warranting of comment.

I managed to convince my mom to, at the very least, approach the issue with the youngest soon and put us back into direct contact to discuss it. I haven't figured out how I'm going to broach the subject with the middle brother. I find it unlikely his reaction will be much better than dad's.

What really really digs under my skin is how my mom is defending him. No. Stop fucking enabling his bullshit. What he did was wrong. What he did was unacceptable. You don't just cut off your kid like that for safeguarding her health. And you don't create static with the rest of the family for contacting her. That is fucking wrong. Stop fucking enabling him. Seriously.

Ugh. Fucking blood family. This will only get worse when news spreads to my extended blood family. Especially my dad's side of the family. Former Jehovah's Witnesses (now Catholics) on that side. And they're not from a very tolerant background...

Not looking forward to this at all...

Had To Go Into This Shit Eventually...

This is where things get a bit... personal. Some of you who read this will know the individual in question. You may want to avoid reading it. In fact I would suggest avoiding it if you feel that this would put you in an untenable situation. And I would ask that you do not under any circumstances direct this individual to this entry.

I am not writing this to violate anyone's neutrality. This is just part of the healing process. I need to get it out and stop hiding it so I can start moving on.

Trauma related stuff. Might be triggering for some. )

So there you all go. One good thing, and two bad. The identity post may get delayed a bit longer depending but hopefully I can do it this weekend. Thanks for reading.