2009-09-20 10:34 am
Entry tags:

Intermission: The Oh Snap Threshold Has Been Breached

Oh look an Intermission Post.

It's been a rough few weeks for everyone. The #whywefight hashtag on Twitter has been of immense help to so many but it has also been a truly emotionally draining experience for those of us who wrote to it. A lot of trans folk cope with the danger and the shit that we go through by not thinking about it. By sort of sliding that stuff into the back of our minds and not really actively engaging thoughts like, "It's pretty likely that if I walk somewhere or go somewhere alone that I will be assaulted." So dredging that shit up into the light is pretty painful for us too, not just the folks who see it and realize how little has been done to help us. It's even worse for those who have to relive their experiences by dredging it up. Discussing my own lack of options for rape counseling and abuse counseling hit a lot of painful chords in me and that's part of why I took the mental health day off yesterday.

And of course, it didn't help that I was hit with some good ol' ally betrayal by Renee of Womanist Musings (I won't link to her, I am done giving any press whatsoever to her to fuck up in) who apparently thought it would be a great idea to use textbook silencing techniques on me when I criticized womanism and feminism for cissexist edges in the hashtag. She apologized (eventually) by the way, although it was only given after insulting, slurring, attacking, breaking into another trans woman's safe space, and giving an insincere bullshit apology that specifically excluded the trans women (including myself) who she slurred, attacked and silenced (this was later edited on the day of that twittered apology to include us, of course, we're still apparently "vile" and "evil", so nothing's really been solved). Apparently things got worse after I left the situation, but it's not something I can speak to since I wasn't there. I've washed my hands of the whole situation to be honest. I don't feel she is salvageable and I'm not going to waste any more time on her.

A shit week all around. IRL stuff piled on me too. Work's been harder and more stressful than ever and I've been in a bit of a crunch time lately because I'm going to part time this upcoming week. With my feet and back acting up really badly (raising fears that my days being an abled person are very numbered) I decided to take a mental health day yesterday and it helped a great deal.

It doesn't occur to a lot of people just how difficult blogging about things of personal importance (or about past trauma) can be. Bringing that stuff up is stressing at best, reliving trauma and opening yourself up for awful shit at worst. There's an "Oh Snap Threshold" for everyone I figure. That point where you go: "holy shit I need a day off." Or two. Or four. Or a week. For me, yesterday of just playing an MMO, screwing around, and basically just destressing has been most of what I needed. I also took a low key day today and just did the two weeks of laundry that had been piling up (which was pretty boring and low key). I may hate doing laundry because of the heat from the dryers, but it is really relaxing to just sit around and do nothing while a ton of mechanical white noise plays in the background. It makes me zone out. XD

And Intermission posts usually act as a good destressor because they aren't very structured. I'm free to ramble and say mostly random and personally relevant things that a lot of folk aren't gonna care about.

So, The Intermission List is:

1: Dad's still being an asshole and keeping contact closed. Which means I can't contact either of my brothers without finding a way around the info curtain.

2: I'm trying to figure out if I'm pansexual or whatnot. Experimentation and figuring stuff out will commence, eventually. XD It isn't a high priority because I'm already in a relationship right now and I've yet to meet anyone else who peaks my interest who isn't a girl, but it's something I'd like to know.

3: Name change documents are almost entirely finished, I just need to fill out the rest of the paperwork, get the money together (make sure I don't need it signed by a notary public or alternately get it signed) and then replace the birth cert copy. That's only if I don't get the paperwork back, if I do then it shouldn't be a problem. I'll talk to a friend who knows law stuff about it.

4: I bought small blue sunglasses today at a dollar store. They look absolutely hawt and match my weird as hell style. A style that continues to evolve as I delve into indie chick stuff. So far I've settled on my green faux-military jacket, shiny black shoes, weird colored knee high or thigh high socks (often mismatched XD), baggy guy's (or loose fit girl's) cargos (or very flaring girl jeans) and varying interestingly colored t-shirts (and occasionally snazzy button down shirts).

5: I need to do something about my hair. It's beautiful and all but it's too goddamn long. I need to get it cut but how short? It's a tough call because if I cut it too short it'll curl into a giant ball of ringlets on the top of my head and then poof out (a style I completely fail to pull off). But I do want to hack some off so that it's easier to take care of. Shoulder length perhaps, maybe low neck. This will be explored.

6: I'm at the tail end of the laser treatments and wow oh wow can you tell. Parts of my face are literally smooth even when I haven't shaved for a day and a half. And what little is there is thin and very very blond (almost white colored). Chances are I'll need some electrolysis but I can wait on that because the hair is easily concealed at this color and I really can't afford it right now.

7: Partner and I are looking at marriage options. They need to be married (or in the military or older than 25 or a grad student) to get freed up from the bullshit dependent status that FAFSA drops on people (whether they live with or get any support from their parents or not). It sucks because Partner's parents can't cover any schooling and I know how much Partner really wants to get back into college after having to leave for health reasons. Our finances are also pretty difficult right now. We made a joint account and such but the financial ties of legal marriage might be the best way to align things right so we can survive a little better. It bothers the both of us because we're poly and marriage as it exists now completely fucks over poly folk (and will continue to fuck over poly folk even after so called "Marriage Equality", yanno everyone excluded but gay and straight, is gained). We figure it will be a quiet thing. No ceremony, no rings, none of that shit. Our relationship is committed enough, thanks. We don't need symbols, pomp and circumstance to add to that. We're fine without it.

8: I'm planning on bringing up the idea and asking for contact infos at my support group for the specific group in my city that works to make the lives easier of TWOC (trans women of color) so that I can find someone who really needs my breastforms in donation. Let's face it, white people get a giant fucking leg up in the world. Being trans might fuck us over really badly but can you imagine just how badly one gets screwed being POC and trans? It goes beyond my capacity to imagine and makes me feel ill for them. So quite frankly, this donation is not going to go to a white girl. Sorry, no can do. I'm gonna give a TWOC a leg up with this and I goddamn wish I could donate more breastforms but I've only got the one pair. So that's that.

9: I'm still trying to figure out how safe it is to attempt to visit my old crew of people from community college. Mostly a bunch of saucy drunk assholes there were still some good apples among the sea of rotting fruit. My main worry is that some of them are misogynistic as fuck and that could spell serious problems for me. There is a distinct and very real risk that visiting that area could get me beaten within an inch of my life if I'm around the wrong people. So this is a tough decision to make. There's also the fact that a lot of these people have no fucking concept of personal space with anyone, and especially not with girls. I really don't want to be triggered in a big group. One of my more trustworthy friends has offered to act as backup and hang around and beat the shit out of anyone who causes problems. I may take him up on that offer.

Well that's the Intermission. Regularly scheduled programming will resume next week. Much love to you, readers.

2009-06-24 06:34 pm


As I work on writing the blog post regarding identity labeling (and I assure you, I'm putting all my efforts into avoiding making this offensive or confrontational, because I know a lot of people get offended or feel attacked when discussing how identity labels are applied) I do think there are some updates I should share on various situations.

1: My dad is still giving me the silent treatment but I'm recovering, slowly and carefully, from the effects. Time heals, bit by bit, so I'm reaching a point now where it doesn't hurt me as much as it did.

2: I have a job! I can't tell you about it here. Primarily because I'm keeping my transsexuality on the downlow there (cautious by nature, I am and the HR department really worked hard to accommodate my needs and avoid things like my still male name on my security ID. Much love <3). But also because the thing (it's a game) I'm working on is kind of a big deal and may get a lot of publicity. So we're keeping it quiet right now as leaking info too early hurts a release date.

3: Name change paperwork is obtained. Right now a friend of mine is checking up on whether my change of address will be an issue (or if it's fine because I stayed in the same county for the move). Fingers crossed I don't have to wait a goddamn 8 more months just to send the paperwork in. Because I will be PISSED.

4: I've decided to hold off on this sexual self exploration thing temporarily. A friend of mine raised a disturbing possibility. That I might feel uncomfortable with being referred to as a lesbian. I can't think of why I'd be uncomfortable with that label but I found I couldn't really entirely dismiss it as a possibility. I do seem to feel sort of uncomfortable having my sexuality discussed or discussing it with people and I often find myself being careful not to drop references to ex girlfriends and to use more "admiring" words than "I'm interested" words to compliment girls I find really attractive. x_x

It seems like a thoroughly bad idea to go out and have sex with a guy (subjecting myself to the risks any woman faces when looking for basically a hook up and the additional risks a trans woman faces) when it could simply be because I'm not very comfy with a label. So I'll figure that out first.

So that's a collection of fun updates. I'll keep working on that blog post, so please be patient.